Volatile as Ever.

My photo
Franklinville, New York, United States
I'm as easy going as they come, until I am crossed. I've been walked on before, just look at the foot prints on my back, each of them tell a story. But that doesn't matter anymore cause back then, I didn't mind. No regrets. I hope that each and every person that I encounter in my life: be it old friends and new, past lovers or forever enemies, never ever EVER forget me. You all shaped me into who and what I am today. And if you can look at the time that I have known you, and pick something out of it, good or bad, then that means your life is forever changed by me. Don't ever forget that. I think you should never be afraid to live life. I really hope I've been able to help others experience this in their own encounters over the years. Don't be afraid to do something that people say you shouldn't. You just might find out that you like it. it's OK if people judge me, that just means they are paying attention to me. If someone tells me that I shouldn't do something, but in my heart of hearts, I feel that it's right, I'll do it. Try new food, meet new people. Ask my question. Take that risk. Nobody can live this life of mine, but me. And you only live once.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

That Song, This Moment, Those Feelings.

So, new blog, new me, all that Jazz. Or is it Blues? For a person that has dealt with some of the things I have in my "dinosaur" age of 29, (Pity me, I know, I'm just oh so old.) music plays a big part in my daily life, and my feelings on certain issues I am dealing with. My mind processes things in such a way, that a song can trigger a memory, calm a feeling, or build one inside of me.

Enter JJ Grey and Mofro - Lullaby.

With all that is going on in my life, the song just seems to fit. Within the last month and a half, I have been to court twice about my custody of my kids, both times ending up on the losing end. I have also been going to school full time, and my finals just so happen to begin being due on Tuesday. Oh, and lets not mention the fact, that the United States Army has offered me the very real opportunity to re-enter their ranks, which is something that I have been attempting to do ever since I was medically discharged for having a seizure in May of 2005. This would be my ultimate dream, as the military is the family business, and I feel like I have some loose ends to tie up.

Yes, I have a girlfriend, and she has a child, both of which are very much in my heart at all times. if I join the military, because we are not married, and her daughter's biological father has a court order stating that she cannot leave the state of New York, that would mean that even if a wedding were to take place, my girl could not come with me to the military life right away. She was born and raised in this area, and has lived a very civilian life, where I have not. I understand her fears of bouncing her child from school to school, base to base, state to state, all while growing up on the fly. I went through this myself, and I can vouch that it is not easy at all. So yes, my girl has legitimate fears, but she also has a decision to make. We have both agreed to never EVER step in the way of ones dreams, or ones children, as I have 3 of my own who live in Virginia with their mother. She has known from day one, that if the opportunity ever came up for me to rejoin the Army, that I would not delay, and I would not question fate. And she knew that if that opportunity did come up, that this choice would eventually have to be made, and there would be no hard feelings, either way.

I don't know where I will end up when I get back into the Army; be it the USA or abroad. i also do not know if my girl and her daughter will be willing to take a risk, grow wings, and take flight, and take a chance, in me, and make that move with me. We have talked about it, and weighed options on both ends, discussing things like a couple that has been together about 2 years should do. We can't really make any official decisions until everything is signed, and sealed with the government. I love my girl and her daughter so much. I'd give the world for them, as well as my children above myself.

Even though I can do nothing to sway her decision either way, all I can do is rock her to sleep.